路

很想问自己，那原有的斗志力都不见去哪了？
大概就在一年前的这个时候吧，决定了到这间在法国还算是有名气的大学，妈妈再三叮咛我别挑选一条太难走的路，毕竟在现今的社会里，要拥有一份好职业或个好前途已经不再是凭一张大学文凭就可达到的。

明明自己并不想成为工程师的，但或许是好胜心作怪吧，自己还是选择了这条路。刚开始的那几个考试自己还算是考得不错，所以便对自己建立了信心，认为只要自己努力，有付出一定会有所收获。

事与愿违，第一张数学竟拿了4.5分，这是有史以来对我最大的打击吧，满怀信心的我简直跌入谷底，但收拾心情后自己还是坚信有努力就会有结果的。后来，成绩有起有落，我并不算是最好的，但却也不是最差的，可是，我累了。

我记不起已有多少个夜晚我脑子里全是课业上的问题导致我无法入眠，更不用去数我因为压力而哭了多少回。本以为这个假期里我可以好好休息，充电了再继续努力，但又一个成绩使我已经无力地奋斗下去了。

现在的我，好累。昨晚睡觉到一半突然因为想到要开学了而惊醒，然后发现自己心跳跳得好快，然后就失眠了。

也许自己走到这里，是时候停止逞强，我只想活得快乐。

是的，当工程师并不是我要的，那我何苦折腾自己地去走一条艰难的路，不如换上一条较简单的吧！

Trip to Turkey

After dreading impatiently for such a long period, finally here comes my two weeks holidays, and yes, here comes the moment which I could finally meet them, my long-time-no-see buddies. The moment they appeared in front of my sleepy eyes in the airport, I was really excited and relieved. She is still as caring as ever, and he is still him, very cheerful and colourful haha.

I don't really care the places we'd visited, what I appreciate the most is the precious time I  spent with them. Walking with them was fun, looking at that super tall guy being so lovey-dovey with my best friend was funny, chatting with them made me laugh so much that I can't remember when was the last time I laughed so much. I enjoyed listening to his singing, snatching blanket with her,  and I enjoyed every jokes that we shared.

Also, our life experience on the hot air balloon ride was indeed a plus thing to be remembered forever. Not to forget our video shooting on our last day, too haha.

And now, our trip had came to an end. As I turned my back again to watch them leaving, my tears finally rolled down. There were lots of passers-by who passed by me as I sat there in front of the boarding gate, yet I felt so lonely, and I realized that they had really enlightened me during these few days. I guess that's the power of friendship.

Now, I am on my flight towards Toulouse, and I know that our distance between us is increasing every second, yet I hope that our friendship bond  would be  as strong as ever, regardless the distance between us.

Take care my friends.
Till our next meeting.

PS : It would be merrier if the other two cppiens were there. :)

No choice = Life

I still remember that day, when all of us were discussing if we should or not to go back to Malaysia during this year's Chinese New Year. And so, the decision was made, and ta-da, 600+€ flew away...

From that day onwards, I was anticipating for 14th February to arrive. Though in between my parents were here in France to visit me, yet the non-stop examinations that I had made me miss lots of precious moments with them, and I sent them off regretfully...

So, my life carried on with more examinations, more challenges, more hardcore, and I was so busy that I couldn't spend more time skyping with them, and each time I said goodbye to them in Skype, I sensed the regrets and sadness in the eyes of my parents...

And finally, it was the week... I still have my physics practical writing and hands-on test, but that week, I was so excited. Shopping for groceries was always the last thing that I would like to do, but for the sake of my family, I didn't mind spending much money and carrying about 7kg of stuffs from Carrefour to my residence.

And yes, that day arrived. More than 20 hours of traveling time wasn't at all a problem for me, as I know I will be in the arms of my dad, my mum and my brother very soon. And there they were, standing impatiently at the arrival hall of Penang International Airport. 

Home sweet home. That feeling was indescribable. I was welcomed home by a well-cleaned bedroom, 7 new dresses for the festival, plenty of home cooked food and cookies. Everything was so familiar, my room, my bed, the linens, everything... 

And of course, I tried my best to stay as much time as possible to be with my family, from shopping, eating till watching movies together, and not to forget our traditional 'mum&daughter's activity'...

Yet, today, at this moment, I am in my cosy bed, writing this, too afraid to sleep as sleeping is a waste of time now... Time flies, too fast that I just have 1 more day to be with my beloved family, and after that life just has to remain as before, which means to live without the accompaniment of my family,to live alone in my small residence, to cook and to settle things myself etc. Maybe I am the kind of person who is too dependant, well, definitely is, as my tears are rolling down now...

I thank God for everything. I know very well that I am lucky enough to have the chance to come back home and celebrate Chinese New Year with my family. May God blesses them with health, safety and happiness. 

Time flies... 

Now, I realise...

不可以

看着时钟上的秒针慢慢地滴答滴答着，或许大家都会不以为然，但想起你我一起走的日子都快五个月了， 我不知不觉地，感觉时间真的过得好快，心里也在计算着我们俩还剩多少时间可以在一起...曾经我也以为自己可以对你说:“ 无论你去哪，我也会爱你，支持你，不会放弃 ” 那么的话，直到近期才发现原来我看着你查找有关别的地区的学校，我的心会害怕，会慌，但这又是我能够控制的范围之外...我，慌了...

其实，我知道你口中说会留下来，其实是为了不让我担心，难过，但你心目中的理想学校却是在大约距离图卢兹1000公里的一个城市，对吧？我很怕，但我知道自己不该影响你的决定，你的前途，所以我选择了沉默...曾经有人问过我，是否可以接受异地恋，我忘了当时候的答案，但今天的我很想对你说，不要走好吗？

我常常会想象你走了以后我自己是怎么生活 ：
我想，我还是会住在那曾经和你一起聊天聊通宵的小房间，
还是会拉着一个小车子到附近的超级市场购物，
走着曾经有你陪着我一起走的路，
不同的是，不会再有人在我压力时给予我鼓励的话，安慰的拥抱，
也不会再有人牵着我的手陪我逛街买衣服鞋子包包，
更不会再有人会计划好一切然后对我说 ：“ 李亦欣，我想约你！”

也许自己依赖你太多了，也许自己该学习独立，这些虽然打从心里我是知道的，但是我不想不依赖你，不想学习独立...

我想让自己自私点，可以吗？

不可以。

说真的， 我很想真心告诉你，无论你的选择是什么，我会支持你，但对不起，我很自私，我无法说出口，因为每一次我的心都在淌血。。。我很怕我们之间的距离，我很怕一个人，我很怕面对着曾经有你在身边的回忆，但我也很怕自己无意中限制了你，控制了你。。。我恨自己，为什么就不能成熟点，我恨自己，为什么别人可以我却做不到，我恨自己，为什么要逼你，我恨自己，为什么要爱你。。。为什么爱上了你。。。

若是緣，再苦味也是甜。

若無緣，藏愛在心田

与你，牵着手，心连心。。。

谢谢你，给了我前所未有的感觉

和你在一起的所有感受

幸福开心，担心忧虑

都让我觉得很甜蜜

我不懂你是不是我命中注定那个

也不晓得到底你我这条路可以走多远

此时此刻，我只想珍惜一切

你的曾经我不能与你共度

但愿你的未来有我与你相守

我想，我真的爱了

:)